If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:22am
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:21am
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:21am
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that's not already taken.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:21am
"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:20am
A
guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save
the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:20am
Here's how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:20am
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:20am
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:19am
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:19am
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:19am
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:19am
I'm high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I'm stuck in a tree.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:18am
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
I like to think I'm special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny drinking status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
If
you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've
never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
Kids
these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the
experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming
to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can
get down.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update on Saturday, 01.25.14 @ 11:17am
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
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